The Funeral
by drkmotiv8r
Summary: She's getting married tomorrow and this may very well be the last time I see her alive, which means this is the last time I will see her ever. If I don't fight with every fiber of my being I know I'll wonder later on if I could have done more. AU based on the song The Funeral by Band of Horses


_I'm coming up only To hold you under and coming up only To show you wrong_

I climb the tree and tap on her window. She's getting married tomorrow and this may very well be the last time I see her alive, which means this is the last time I will see her ever. I saw the light on in her room so I know I won't disturb her, not that I care if I had , I have to see her. I wish I could cherish this moment and use it for what it's worth, but I'm so stubborn and pig heaaded I'm here once again to beg and plead with her to choose me. Somewhere in my mind I know this is a futile effort, but if I don't fight with every fiber of my being I know I'll wonder later on if I could have done more.

She sees me and comes to flick the lock on the window and I climb in silently. For a moment I just stare at her, our eyes locked as I try not to get choked up. I can't let my mind wander to the true gravity of the situation because then I won't be able to convey how much I need her. I'll just turn into the 16 year old boy that I am and sob in a corner for the next hour about losing the girl that I love. No, this is when I must be a man and come up with a convincing argument to keep the woman I love safe.

"Jake." She sighs

"Look I don't have a lot of time, I just had to see you before it's too late. I know you say you've made up your mind, but there has to be something, anything I can do to get you to stay. I've really grown attached to my dignity but I would give every last ounce to you if you asked. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Doesn't that fucking mean anything? " I think I might be shouting but I can't tell because all I can hear is the rush of blood to my head.

_And to know you is hard, we wonder. To know you all wrong, we were. Really too late to call so we waited for morning to wake you, it's all we got._

"I thought I knew you Bells, in fact I know I do. I know you well enough to know this is not you, this is not who you are. Why are you throwing yourself away? Your literally killing yourself, all the things that make you you, are gone. Or they will be." I so worked up I feel myself starting to sweat and when I look down I notice my fists are clenched so tightly I'm starting to bleed where my fingernails have found their home in my palms.

She crying now, "Jake, I hate seeing you this way. Please, this is making it so difficult for me. I hate it Jake, I hate it." She running her hands through her hair, pulling slightly in frustration.

"Good. If that makes you think about what you're doing, then good. Like I said I would do anything to make you stay, not even to make you choose me, just stay. At this point I don't even care if I have to guilt trip you into this, even if you hate me for the rest of my life..."She cuts me off before I can finish.

"I could never hate you! I will always love you but you can't control my life like this and you won't guilt me into staying away from my fiance, it's not right!" Now she's yelling too.

I can't help it now, I'm crying. "Well Bells, I guess that's it then. I hope you understand how your smashing me into little tiny pieces, I'm shattered. I guess the next time I'll see you is at your funeral. I love you." And with that I take her into a bone crushing hug, knowing this will be the last one I ever giver her. I take my chances and catch her lips in an intense kiss. She doesn't pull away, instead responding to me with the same desperation. After a moment we pull away. "Goodbye." And with that I climb through her window.

_To know me as hardly golden, is to know me all wrong, they were. And every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral, and every occasion once more it's called the funeral. Every occasion oh, I'm ready for the funeral. And every occasion of one billion day funeral._

I knew at that moment that every day of my life from then on would be like a funeral. The times I spend hoping, pining, and desperately planning were over. I had lost the battle.

_I'm coming up only to show you doubtful. I'm coming up only to show you wrong. To the outside, the dead leaves lay on the lawn. Before they died, had trees to hang their hopes._

The wedding came and went, of course I didn't attended. Months passed without a single word from Bella. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that seeing as our last meeting was pretty final, but I hadn't heard from Charlie about her either.

I think no knowing what about 1000 times worse than knowing if she was dead or changed. Because it held all the threat that she could very well be dead or changed, yet could still be alive, could still have time left. I fought with myself over this because if she still was alive, shouldn't I still be fighting for her? Isn't that what I promised her?

No. She had made her decision, it was clear. And besides, anything that she had every promised me she had broken. Now that I thought about it, she had never promised me anything. Had that been by design? Had she always known that she would run back to that cock sucking motherfucker if she ever got the chance, even when she had no idea where he was and he had left her for dead?

The thought made me sick, physically sick. As was becoming pretty commonplace nowadays, I bent over the toilet and vomitted, repulsed by the thoughts running through my mind. My life had become a waiting game until the day I had to attend a funeral, real or faked, for Bella Swan.

I had convinced myself that even knowing for certain one way or the other I would feel better. That I might finally be able to close that chapter and move on with what was left of my tattered and torn life.

_And every occasion, I'll be ready for the funeral. And every occasion once more, it's called the funeral. And every occasion, oh, I'm ready for the funeral. Every occasion of one billion day funeral.__  
_

When the day came, I was completely wrong. I had been laying on the couch like the zombie I was, watching who knows what was on the television, I had no idea.

The phone rang and my dad picked up. I caught the fact that Charlie was on the other line and immediately I was intently listening to their conversation. Dad didn't say much so I really had little clue what was going on, but his tone was somber.

After a few minutes he hung up the phone and turn to me. "Son, I need you to drive me to Charlie's, I need to help him arrange the funeral." He looked me right in the eye and we both knew whose funeral he was talking about.

"FUCK." I kicked the wall as hard as I could, leaving a sizable mark in it. I ran out of the house and phased ripping my clothes to shreds. I ran for a good ten minutes before I slowed down and phased back, collapsing on the forest floor and sobbing. I stayed like that for a good hour before I was aware enough of the fact that my dad had needed a ride to Charlie's. Eventually I ran back to my house where my dad was sitting in the exact same place, tears still running down his cheeks.

He was crying for his son, who would never again find a love as strong as the one he had found in that girl. He was crying for his best friend who had to do what no parent should never have to do, bury a child. He was crying for everything in his life that had been affected by Bella. How much vibrancy she possessed in all things, how much love she possessed in all situations.

As I watched her casket descend into the ground a week later, I felt as though I had already lived an entire lifetime, having to cross many bridges of adulthood and I wasn't even 18. I knew I would never be the same person, and that deeply saddened me. But I also knew that I had felt what it was like to violently love another person, to have a best friend I could tell anything to, and to have had the pleasure of being in the presence of such a fierce human being, who could not see past one single grievous error in judgment.


End file.
